Friday, January 12, 2007

Taking the comfort out

We've all been here. Maybe not here online, but we've all said what I'm saying now.

New year, new start, must absolutely make this stick this time.

Granted, it's something I've said before but maybe this time I really will. I was doing so well before (possibly the most useless sentence ever: 'but I was doing so well... before...) but I was, 50lbs down and feeling great.

I don't feel great anymore and I'm not sure what when that happened. The obvious answer would be 50lbs later, the not so obvious ones I'll work through as I go, but looking a little harder I know enough about them to say that emotional eating has always been a companion and never a friend. I'm reading a book right now called 'Life is Hard, Food is Easy' and in a weirdly excruciating way it seems to be helping a little; I don't think I'm entirely enjoying it, but it makes me think (which I suppose is the whole point). It's making me stop and just examine my reactions and why I want the foods I'm reaching for before I actually get it to my mouth.

It takes the comfort out of comfort food. A scary prospect because generally it's not the food I want but something the food can't give me and that realisation, the true realisation, not just saying 'oh I'm an emotional eater' like that will excuse everything else as pointless, but knowing and pinpointing to myself 'There! There's a feeling behind that jaffacake, look at it! Feel it!' puts me somewhere a little painful more often than not.

Maybe that's the reason I have consciously focused on areas other than the mental in my prior attempts. Maybe that's why I failed. Maybe trying to bleed the poison off these feeling will help me see my bad relationship with food for what it is: a bad relationship. Or maybe I'll be one of those people whole update for a few weeks and then disappear from cyberspace, I guess time will tell. But if you're willing to hitch a ride with me while I detox some bad mojo along with a whole lot of fat, then hop in, I'd love to have you.

I can't promise you it'll be pretty all the time but then few things are. But if I succeed in shutting this cakehole of mine, things should get nicer as we go.