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Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Hmm..

Today hasn't been too bad if I'm just looking at calorie count. I made a vegetarian chili with rice for dinner so that was good, but have been a bit snack-y snack-y since I got here. As expected I am having trouble with not being able to control what foods are around me. I don't have any transport so I can't get to a supermarket to give myself other options either and with my mum either working/at college during the week it's making it easy to spend my days playing with the baby and snacking during the slow times.

I may be going to bingo tomorrow though, so I may see if we can swing by the store and pick up a few things either on the way to/from the hall, and mum's only doing a half day thursday so we may be going out shopping. That should break up my day and help keep my mind from wondering to the biscuit cupboard.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Seen on the AOL headlines

An 8yr old weighing 14 stone (196lbs) may be taken into care because of his size.

So my plans to not go too nuts with the eating had a rocky start tonight when we stopped at a chinese restaurant for a 36438768652 course meal. Most of the things were little taster items, but still, probably not too good for me. Mum wanted to have a nice meal with me as we hadn't seen each other for a while but I defiantly could have made better choices. No point beating myself up over it now though I suppose, I had eaten very lightly during the day (I had a feeling we would end up going out). I'll take the little one out to play in the garden tomorrow for a little exercise and try to prepare myself mentally for the inevitable bloat poundage.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Dear Karma,

Please do not stall, slow, hinder, or otherwise come back to bite the ass of my progress for saying this out loud, but I saw 237.6 on that scale today.

Love and kisses,

Zan

I'm going to my mum's house for the week as I have time off work, due to this I won't be doing my official 'end of month' weigh-in until I come back as I would like all my 'final' stats to be done on the same scale. I'm not sure how the week is going to go as food won't be under my complete control but I'll do my best. My littlest sister has just started nursery school so the walk to pick her up will mean I'll be getting regular exercise (which is more than I'm doing now!). I think the methodist church where the group is held is about a mile walk, so that will be two miles total there and back. I figure if I don't go too nuts with pigging out and home cooking it should all balance out, so things should be okay.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Roast Dinners

Both a beloved friend and an arch nemesis.

My Aunty Blossom comes with her husband nearly every weekend, and she always cooks a gorgeous roast dinner for us. I should say that the Sunday roast (though it got switched to Saturday this week) is a huge tradition here in the UK. One of our more intelligent traditions I feel. Today was roast pork, with roast potatoes, stuffing, roasted onions, green beans, peas, and gravy. I cut down where I could; I didn't eat any crackling, and had less roast potatoes. I also didn't eat anything before and just had a bowl of cereal when I came in from work after, so even though it was a lot of calories to blow on one meal I think I did okay.

I had originally planned to refuse and do my own dinner, but I couldn't quite turn it down. There's something about a proper roast, the smell of it cooking all day, that just screams 'home'. It takes me back to being little and all of us sitting round the table. Smells do that a lot for me, just throw me back to a time or place. That pumpkin/cinnamon mix for example, it smells like America. That doesn't make a lot of sense to most people but I just connect the two in my head. When I went to visit my sister in Texas she had an air freshener in living room with the scent, and when I walked in the first time and said that she laughed because she had said exactly the same thing to her roommates when they bought it and they thought she was weird. I think it goes back to the first time she and I went to the US and that scent you get when you walk into the supermarket, it just stuck with us. Pumpkin isn't used much in baking here, and while cinnamon is common it's not nearly so popular (You guys have it in everything!).

Join the Party

Everyone go and congratulate PQ; she has officially lost half her body weight!

Saturday, February 24, 2007

A girl with a curl

Okay, I've just deleted a few links from my sidebar because the people have either disappeared or aren't posting. If you've moved to another blog then let me know and I'll link you!

Today I continued my love affair with the be good to yourself products, and it was good. I feel proud of myself that I'm staying on track, but kind of hate how it's always one extreme or another (there was a little girl, who had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead...). I'm fed up of being very, very good, or horrid, as the mood strikes me. It's great now because I'm being good, but I can't help feeling like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Oh well, I'll just ride this particular wave of saintliness as far as it will go, and try not to freak out too much when I have a harder day.

A new low..

...but in a good sense!

Okay, this isn't official until the end of feb but I saw 238.4 on the scale today. It may just be a fluctuation, also it was taken just after I'd gotten up and (sorry for the TMI) gone to the bathroom, so it's a best case scenario sort of thing. Even if it is though, it's lowest I've seen on the scale since I started all this so that's a good thing even if it is temporary. I'm not gonna lie here, I was getting pretty sick of seeing 240.2, hopefully I'll be able to push some distance between it and me.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Food, glorious Food

I realise my opinion may be slightly biased considering I work there and all, but Sainsbury's Be Good To Yourself range is really rocking my socks at the moment; I'm particularly liking their chicken curry with vegetable pilau rice. It suprised me how big some of the portions are as I generally don't go with frozen entrees too much because I don't think it's worth it. I don't feel like I've had a meal at the end of it, 'diet' entrees being especially prone to this.

Also high on my happy list is the Wheel of Health thing they have going on their own brand items. I think I just like the simplicity of it, the fact that it's colour coded with green, orange, red, just means you can look at a glance at the front corner for a rough guide to how good or bad it is in basic nutrients, without searching through the table at the back. Red = DANGER WILL ROBINSON, DANGER!

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Reflex

I keep finding myself reaching for a chocolate bar or crisps just because for the last week I've let myself do just that. I keep realising with my hand half way to the cupboard, or halfway to the kitchen. It's odd because I'm not thinking 'I want this' or 'I'm craving that'; I'm just not thinking. It's like a reflex.

Today was much better though, it's easy to say to myself 'okay, you just need to get to the end of this week'.

On a seperate subject, what happened guys? I only left for a week and people have stopped commenting completely, and sharon's blog (fattie2hottie) has been delted from blogger completely. Anyone know what happened to her?

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Time to knuckle down

Jeannie's post has made me realise there is only a week left of February. Which means that if I want to post a loss for this month I have to be really good this week. Scale was flirting with 239.6 yesterday but she hasn't returned his messages so he got it on with 240.2 again this morning (she's such a ho).

Really, I was lucky to not really see much of a gain over the past two weeks. The first week wasn't really stella when it came to eating anyway, and then last week I had my trip to london. I had made the decision before I left that I was just going to eat whatever I wanted because with all the stress I was going to have anyway, I wasn't about to add any with food. It worked and was good, but it's time to focus again now.

So here we go. I'm hoping to get into the 238's (even 238.9 would be great), but I'll settle for not gaining for the month.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Not Dead

With me being busy and going back and forth to london I just haven't updated. Here is a run-down of my interview:

I arrived in good time (we were told to get there half hour before), was put through security, and surrendered my mobile phone to the receptionist before being sent into a large room with glass walls to wait.

I'm the only one in the room. This does not help my nervousness.

A woman come in and introduces herself; she is an ex-jet who did the programme for two years. I'm taken through to another room to do a spelling/grammar test (you're given 5 minutes to complete it and then she tells you when time is up) and taken the other side of a barrier to watcht he video. As she puts on the tape she chats to me and tells me that I won't be able to ask questions in the interview due to time constraints but I can ask her some now if I like, so we talk for a few minutes. She then leaves to bring another person around to the test area, after which she takes me to the interview room.

Okay, I'm not positive, but it's possibly she may have been a 'secret' third interviewer, in the way that she'll probabaly share her impressions with the people that actually questioned me.

She led me down a long corridor to sit in a chair outside the door of the office I will be interviewed in and draws my attention to a sign that tells me I'm not allowed to go anywhere without an escort on pain of getting my application thrown out. I mentally glue myself to the chair. A girl (just finishing her interview) comes out as I'm told I'm not allowed to speak with the next applicant waiting after I come back out, and to wait and the end of the corridor if anyone is there for her to come back and take me downstairs. I'm making this sound quite harsh but she was actually really friendly and nice, she did her best to calm my nerves.

I get called in and there are only two people behind the table, not three like I thought (hence my 'secret interviwer' theory). One is another female ex-jet, one is a japanese male who works in the embassy. I may have lucked out because while they didn't give much away, they both seemed reasonably nice and not like they were actively trying to intimidate me.

Some of the things I got asked:

You requested Matsusaka, why? (I have a friend who lives there)
Does this mean you will only work in big cities? (no)
Would you have a problem if we put you in a very small town in a rural area?
How would you cope if no one else in that town spoke japanese?
How would you present youself to your students? (not a self-intro)
How would you explain the UK to you students?
What if you couldn't use pictures?
What's the difference between the UK and Great Britain? (I fumbled a little due to nerves but it was pretty much my only mishap)
Who is the Prime minister of Japan?
What are some current news stories in Japan (YES! I've been reading the Daily Yoimuri for 4 months for that question!)
(having spoken about the redefinition of what can be used as punishment in class) What would you do if you saw a teacher hit a student?
What would you do if you had plans and had booked tickets etc. and your principal asked you to do something for the school instead?
If you had to create a club after school (not english) what would it be?
If you couldn't create a club, but had to choose one, what would it be?

There may have been a couple more that I am not thinking of now, finally they said for the last 20 seconds is there anything you want to tell us or let us know that we haven't got already.

I shook their hands and thanked them, then stood at the end of the corridor while the first woman explained to the new candidate that she couldn't wander (he promised he wouldn't and looked kind of green).

Hee, once we rounded the corner where he couldn't see she got all friendly again and asked me how it went. I told her I didn't know if I got it or not but that I think I gave the best interview I could give so the rest was up to them. She said my attitude was great and that she was a wreck when she came out of her interview!

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

pretty things are good

I went to town today and got an outfit for my interview, expect a picture as soon as I can wrangle it. It is very pretty. This is good.

Work was absolutely nuts as someone rang in sick and we had less than no people to cover so muggins here went in early, I am also working extra tomorrow. This is bad.

I am sleepy. Bed is nice.

Monday, February 12, 2007

*Yawn*

Today was quite long because I picked up an extra shift at work instead of having a nice break to go buy an interview outfit. I'll have to do that tomorrow.

I got dinner at the canteen at work today. I picked what I wanted to eat, enjoyed it and went back to work. It wasn't a 'good choice' or a 'bad choice', it was just lunch. That's kinda nice.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to look at food and have it just be food? I would love that.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

When all hope seemed lost

So I'll admit I've been pretty down recently. Sort of given up on hope that I would be contacted about this Japan thing because let's face it, if they're interviewing until mid-feb and it's now feb 10th, chances are extremely slim anything's going to happen.

Then I checked my imbox quickly before going to work and find:

Dear Ms ***,

This is early confirmation that you have been selected for interview. This will take place on Friday 16th February at 12:00 at the Embassy of Japan in London.
Please arrange to be free on this day. Official notification will be posted out to both of your permanent and temporary addresses shortly.

The invite contains all the relevant information related to your interview. Please make sure you read all the details very carefully as soon as your letter arrives.

Please do not contact the JET Desk for further details unless you have significant reasons for doing so.

If your invite has not arrived by a few days prior to your interview date, please contact the JET Desk.

Kind regards,

UK JET Programme


OMFG! I HAVE TO GET AN INTERVIEW OUTFIT! AND MEMORIZE EVERY FACT ABOUT JAPAN EVER!

Saturday, February 10, 2007

And the beat goes on

Today still wasn't that great, but it was much calmer. I ate too much, but in an 'extra potion of roast chicken' kind of a way, rather than a 'desperately stuff cake in your mouth so fast for so long that you wanna throw up and die' kind of a way. An improvement I think (even if just a little one).

My weight did indeed go up after yesterday. At first by a rather terrifying 3 lbs, but then I tried again a couple of hours later (still before eating) and it was 240.2. I think that's about right as I figured out from the extra calories I would be anything from 0.5-1 lbs up.

More food pics! Aren't you the lucky one. This was chicken, swede and carrot mash, and steamed vegetables with gravy. The best thing about this was that it was ready in 5 minutes. The chicken came from the hot food counter, the mash was bought, as were the steamed veg. I microwaved the mash for 3 mins and the steamed veg in this special pack for two, very useful when you've just walked home in the snow and want your food, like, now.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Sigh

Bad BAD day of eating today. I've spoken before very early on in this blog about the issues I have with my dad and food. I wish I could say I'm making it bigger in my head than it actually is but I'm not. Anyway, he went away again today for a few days (relief, sweet relief) and I got that jittery feeling in the pit of my stomach again, the one that say's 'quick! now! while no one's here to look (/judge)'. I don't know why I get like this, the panicky tight feeling in my chest that screams NOW IS YOUR ONLY CHANCE, my adrenaline swatting butterflies in my gut with fight or flight for the kitchen. But I know it's can't just be the food, though I don't imagine the inevitable guilt/shame cycle that's kicked in is helping, because I've been pulling my hair out like crazy all week. I would guess part of it in probably the fact that I'm pretty sure at this point that JET is a no-go for me now, but I don't understand how this day took such a downward plummet. I was happy this morning, excited about the snow and the fact that I would have the house to myself.

Now all I feel is sick from the (almost entire, full sized) cake I baked and consumed, sad for the fact that the pound I worked so hard for will probabaly now be back, headache-y and dazed from the crying jags I've had over the last few hours, and for some reason kind of lonely.

And a failure for listening. Not to the craving (weirdly, I wasn't even having any), but to the scared and panicked little voice inside me that said 'yes, but you have to eat it, because in a few days maybe you will be craving it, and then you won't be able to have it because there will be people around, and then you'll have nothing'

You idiot Zan.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Baby it's cold outside

The view from outside my window right now:





I am going to do exactly nothing today, and I'm going to enjoy it thoroughly. I'm not working (which is good because I walk to work, it's not far but still, in that?!?) and it's still snowing hard. I bought some casserole stuff yesterday on the off chance it did snow (I really didn't think it was going to, heh, that came back to bite me).

This is the UK! Weather like this doesn't happen!

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Plodding along

So, the fact that it's the 7th means we're officially a week into February and I weigh 239.2.

I have to admit, that kind of disappoints me.

Now don't get me wrong, I'd much rather have a pound loss this week than none or a gain, but I feel like I've really had to fight for every inch of it. You know how some pounds just fall off and others feel like they have to be blown out with a hand grenade? Well I feel like I should be pulling a clip and ducking for cover. If this is a set-up for February as a whole then it's going to suck. Big time.

But I'll give it another week before sending Feb. poison pen letters and making crank phone calls to it's house. Sometimes you just have tough weeks.

And if it is introducing a bad month, by the time I've made that judgement the month will be half over and I can look forward to March, so that's something.

Unexpectedly...

...Today was actually a really good day eating-wise. Considering it wasn't a good day work-wise that makes it even better. The Wheel of Death and I matched wills again, but this time it broke under my steely glare. I have no doubt this is only one of many battles to come.

So yeah, ate my cereal, had a pasta/chicken/salad thing for lunch, followed it with fruit salad at break, then came home and cooked dinner with the turkey meat I finally remembered to pick up on my way home (I ran out of chicken a few days ago, cereal has been a large part of my life in the time between then and now).

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Computer Expert Anywhere?

Food today wasn't going too badly. There was a Mars Bar incident during my lunch break that turned out not to matter because when I figured out my calories I was ZOMG so under that it evened things out.

Does anyone who reads this use a Mac? Or have switched from windows/mac or vice versa? I'm thinking of getting a new laptop fairly soon-ish and I don't think I want Windows Vista. I'm not sure about switching over though, a lot of people have real trouble adjusting to the new OS (even though looking at it from here I think if I could get used to it Mac is a better system).

P.S. I am currently in love with the song 'Grace Kelly' by Mika.

*Steps carefully*

Scale showed me 239.6 this morning. Whether this is true or Scale's way of screwing with me so that it can show me 240.2 tomorrow I don't know, but I am very tentativly marking it down as true for now. It's the lowest I've seen on the scales since starting this whole thing so even if it doesn't stick around that's probably a good thing.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Ugh

The weight is being a bit of a hard ass this week. I've been eating within my calories but it's not shifting, or rather any downward trend of the last few days has been of the measly 0.2 variety rather than last month where practically every time I checked the scale was another 0.8 down. Logically I knew (know) that of course it's going to slow down, or even if I kept losing quickly that some weeks were just going to be harder than others. This week has definitely been harder. I have yet to break a new decade, though this morning I was scraping 240.0 so hopefully soon.

Hopefully really soon.

Ugh.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Clash of the Titans

Me vs. The Vending Machine.

Nothing so terribly strange about that, the weird thing about this particular battle? We both won. Because the vending machine has more will power than me.

I swore to myself I wasn't going to have anymore dessert from the wheel of death for another week to test how it affected my weight loss. I've been getting them recently while making sure I still stay within my calories, but I've seen a little bit of a slow down with the weight coming off so wanted to see if a calorie is a calorie is a calorie, or if stopping would make a real difference.

So I was at work and I folded. A win for the vending machine then surely? Wrong. The vending machine doesn't care if eat it's products or not, it's just wants to prove that it can mentally break me. How do I know this? After a long internal debate I very maturely thought 'fuck it' put my money in and the slide-y door thing refused to open. Denied. REJECTED.

I took it as a sign and ignored the additional chocolate bar vending machine next to it (it's not enough our canteen has one machine, we have a range of the things) in favour of the apple slices with grapes snack pack I had bought earlier.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Eeeeee!

We ended up going out for dinner so I was glad I didn't eat anything beforehand. It meant that I was fine on my calories for the day. I had carrot and coriander soup for starters, followed by chicken and mushroom pasta carbonara. I broke my cardinal rule of not ordering pasta in restaurants (I make it so easily at home I don't order it when I go out, I want something I can't be bothered to make myself). The result? sort of ho-hum. The soup was better than I expected it to be, the pasta not as good as I would have liked. Never mind though, I'll know for next time.

I have a headache, looking back on the day I've drank much less than I usually do so I think I've found the culprit right there.

Oh! Oh! you heard about this right? RIGHT?!?

I am very excited right now. I did the midnight queue for the last 3 books.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

I once again reign victorious

My tax woes appear to be over! I tried filing the form myself (thanks for all your help Amy for all the info you gave me, you're a star) but I got hopelessly lost when it came to do some of the calculations. Then another ex-cast member contacted me with all the info for the people who did my taxes while I was in Florida so I've emailed the whole lot to them, worth the fee I think. I should be entitled to get all $1800 back so that will be a nice (and much needed) bonus.

I haven't eaten anything yet, I will soon though as I hate leaving it until I'm starving, it makes bad choices look so much better. I'm not at work Thursday's in general, so it's cleaning day. Or, do all those stupid little things you couldn't be bothered with all week day.