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Friday, February 09, 2007

Sigh

Bad BAD day of eating today. I've spoken before very early on in this blog about the issues I have with my dad and food. I wish I could say I'm making it bigger in my head than it actually is but I'm not. Anyway, he went away again today for a few days (relief, sweet relief) and I got that jittery feeling in the pit of my stomach again, the one that say's 'quick! now! while no one's here to look (/judge)'. I don't know why I get like this, the panicky tight feeling in my chest that screams NOW IS YOUR ONLY CHANCE, my adrenaline swatting butterflies in my gut with fight or flight for the kitchen. But I know it's can't just be the food, though I don't imagine the inevitable guilt/shame cycle that's kicked in is helping, because I've been pulling my hair out like crazy all week. I would guess part of it in probably the fact that I'm pretty sure at this point that JET is a no-go for me now, but I don't understand how this day took such a downward plummet. I was happy this morning, excited about the snow and the fact that I would have the house to myself.

Now all I feel is sick from the (almost entire, full sized) cake I baked and consumed, sad for the fact that the pound I worked so hard for will probabaly now be back, headache-y and dazed from the crying jags I've had over the last few hours, and for some reason kind of lonely.

And a failure for listening. Not to the craving (weirdly, I wasn't even having any), but to the scared and panicked little voice inside me that said 'yes, but you have to eat it, because in a few days maybe you will be craving it, and then you won't be able to have it because there will be people around, and then you'll have nothing'

You idiot Zan.

2 comments:

Sharon said...

I've done that before too. Sweets are my downfall. But don't fret. It will be okay. Tomorrow is a new day and you can start over.

christie said...

oh honey i can relate so much!!! My parents are out of town right now and I've been struggling against the same thing. The last time they went out of town I gained 3 pounds. This time I am trying so hard not to repeat that, but it's not easy. I find it helpful to hang around in public as much as possible where I dont' have to fight that feeling that now is my chance because i'm alone. Get out into some stores, go sit and read somewhere, hang out with friends, that helps me.