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Friday, June 29, 2007

If only life could be a paint by numbers

Storms and driving rain in Food Land today. I ate some chicken drumsticks that I got cheap from our hot food counter (257 cals according to fitday), a 'taste the difference' spaghetti bolognese (428) with added cheese (100), two double-takes (sort of a kit-kat rip off) (228).

I usually wouldn't do the obsessive count 'n' post, but it's just one of those days you know?

By numbers this is not a bad day; it's low even! But it's more than just numbers. It's this feeling of slipping slipping slipping, and scrabbling for an edge to hold yourself up by. It's not the calories, but the wasted calories. The chocolate and the cheese and the extra fat of the microwave spaghetti meal. The knowledge that the day could have been much better (fruit! veg! Where for art thou?).

The one saving grace was that I managed to avoid the bakery sweets and cookies that I wanted to buy when I was shopping earlier. I could feel the cravings starting and knew if I bought them I would be eating the whole box, not just one. Dad left this morning and I always have hard days when he's gone.

I got up this morning and the scale had gone up by 0.4 which is nothing. Everybody fluctuates, I know this, but it was the first time this week I have not woken up a lighter weight then when I went to sleep and it didn't feel good even though I knew it would go down tomorrow. Well, it would have, but given the quality of food today I doubt it now.

It's knowing that weigh in is the day after tomorrow and I was going to make a final push to see if I could get another pound down before then and have now probably stalled it.

It's having that gnawing, sinking feeling in your stomach that isn't hunger but is making you eat, and knowing that I will eat more before bed (though I will try to make it a bowl of shredded wheat and nothing else). It's not knowing what changed overnight to make me go from my last post to this so quickly.

It's trying to positive but just having one of those days, one of those days you know?

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

The Universe's little gift to me

When I went for my medical a few weeks ago the doctor was checking all my basic details and it turns out I'm 5'5 not 5'4 as I previously thought. I intended to blog about this at the time but got distracted by shiny things. Now, while this may not seem particularly worthy of note, it means that according to the height/weight ratio chart of broken dreams I'm automatically that little bit less obese.

Awe. Some.

Obviously I have been going about this weight loss malarkey in completely the wrong way. I don't need to eat healthily and make the occasional attempt to exercise, I just need to find a way to become 6'6.

Monday, June 25, 2007

15:00 and all's well...

Hmm, so what have I been up to the last few days. The answer is 'not a lot' which is the reason for my lack of updates. My life seems to be quite lather/rinse/repeat at the moment.

Not that that's a bad thing. I have work later and as it's Monday it should be too busy (knock wood), the weight is moving in the right direction so I'm hoping I can keep it going to leave me in good stead for my rapidly approaching weigh in, and I spent my day off yesterday sitting in bed with my laptop and Animal Crossing on my DS.

There are worse ways to spend the weekend.

I should go downstairs and tidy a little as I haven't really left my room that much in the last couple of days.

*Looks at her Animal Crossing game*

I should.

Friday, June 22, 2007

And I'm feeling good.

There are always doubts creeping in and out. The mental tally of every calorie, carb, fat that works in the back of your mind, a gentle hum of white noise that I focus in and out on.

The scale hasn't moved for a few days, which logically I know is nothing strange, haven't been eating terribly, but I haven't been 100% super great either, and it didn't look like I was going to make my mental goal of under 220 by my June weigh in.

But you know what? Screw all that. I had fun shopping the other day and got some pretty stuff that I couldn't have fit into a couple of months ago, resisted the urge for leftover lasagna last night, and weighed in at a new low of 222.4 this morning. I'm 24, about to fulfil a dream of going to Japan, have complete control over what I'm going to eat next, and am getting healthier every day.

Life? Not all that bad right now.

I turned on my radio a few minutes ago to find that Fleetwood Mac would like me to know they agree with me. It's nice to stop wallowing in the mistakes and just focus on the good sometimes.

Yesterday's gone, Yesterday's gone.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

I am so penniless right now.

I've just come back from Tesco of all places, and bought some really nice clothes. I need a load of teaching clothes (casual-business rather than full dress suit) for Japan but I'm really poor at the moment (WHY DID I BUY A NINTENDO DS YESTERDAY? My lack of self control extends to more than just food). I spent far too much money, about £80 I think, but for that I got two pairs of trousers, two tops, a cardigan, and a gorgeous dress (another one!). I wasn't going to get the dress but the sales girl was far too good at her job! We had a conversation at the checkout where she happened to mention that today was the last day in the dress promotion so it was 20% off, and that for every £30 I spent I got £6 off so the £40 dress actually ended up costing me £26.

Shopping seems exciting again. Not just shopping, but going into a regular store and having choice. Okay, I'm not a size 16 or anything, but it was nice not to just have 3 frumpy black, red or white tops hanging sad and neglected in the corner. If I get a chance I'll do a picture post for the tops. I'm tempted to try on my pink dress again, but I don't think it's going to fit yet so I'll just end up making myself feel bad after a nice night.

I was in a pasta mood today when I cooked dinner. The lasagna I made for dad was tempting but I restrained myself. I made a much healthier version of a pasta bake, and it was really tasty and very easy:

Boil some wholewheat pasta.
In a pan, mix a can of Campbell's condensed mushroom soup (undiluted), half a can of sweetcorn, a can of drained tuna, and some water (how thick you have the sauce is up to you, so water amounts differ). You can add any other veg in you like. Mix in the pasta, put it in a tray, top it with a little cheese and bake it in the oven until crunchy on top.

Niiice. I wish I'd got batteries for my camera so I could take a picture. I ate it with salad.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Aaaaaand breathe

Eating was much more restrained today, making me feel much better. This is due in part to the fact that I took one of my Ephedra pills (yes, I know, ephedra - boo, hiss, I'm going to the deepest ring of dieter hell). I started taking them a few months ago and they helped reign in my appetite, but then I kept my eating under control for a while and started cutting back on them, finally stopping completely.

With the wobbles I've had the last few days I thought I'd try and use them again to stop my snacky snacky impulses, but weirdly it made me get a bit shaky at work. Not 'feeling sick' shaky, or cold shivery, but that sort of nervous energy in the pit of your stomach that just seemed to come out as the shakes. It was odd because it never did that to me before.

The only reason I can think of is maybe that my caffeine intake is usually so low as I don't drink tea, coffee or soda, that a sudden burst was a bit of a shock to the poor old body (they're ephedra and caffeine pills). Hmm, something to ponder. I may see how I am without them tomorrow and make a decision from there.

The scale tonight showed me at just a smidgen (0.2 lbs) above my low weight last week, and as I generally weigh lighter int he morning I'm hoping this will translate to a new low tomorrow. With only 10 days of June left I was really hoping to punch a sizable hole through 220 before my WI at the end of the month (but shhhh! I don't want to jinx myself).

Monday, June 18, 2007

Bad kitty - no treat!

Not the best of weekends when it came to my food. Saturday saw me having an argument with a co-worker that had been a long time coming, and it made me angry. Even as I went upstairs and fed my money to the WOD (curses! it's gentle lulling away of all my suspicions have led me to an unexpected ambush!) I knew I was just doing it because I was just letting my anger control me. A voice in my head was telling me exactly that even as I stood there but I chose to drown it out with lemon meringue pie. I don't even have the satisfaction of blaming the WOD for it's cunning and generally underhand tactics, as I'm fairly convinced that with the way I was feeling it could have been full of dust and cat hair and I probably would have got a hoover and sucked it up.

It's been a while since I let that happen. The minor doughnut incident aside, anything I've had that hasn't been completely (I totally wrote com-PLATE-ly then, Freudian slip anyone?)on plan has been a conscious decision and I have enjoyed it, but this was just stuffing food in my mouth and hating it after. The rest of the weekend was tainted with a strong scent of 'well, if I've screwed up anyway I might as well eat this too', and Father's Day didn't help because it meant there were treats around I wouldn't usually eat for when temptation got the better of me. Left to my own devices I try to keep the house clear so if I have got massive cravings I'm only left with the choice of porridge, apple or banana for when I just can't resist.

Oh well, what's done is done. I don't (or at least, try not to) beat myself up for things like this because doing so has yet to turn back time or make me feel better. I haven't stepped on the scale as today is the last day of my period and I was going to wait until tomorrow, now I'm just going to hope that I didn't do too much damage to the progress I was making before.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Just a quickie

My body continues it's quest to throw me off balance so I started my period yesterday. I thought I might be about to when I stepped onto he scale and saw a pound and a half gain overnight, thank goodness that was the reason. I'm staying off the sale until I finish so not to screw with my head. Two months ago TOM used to interfere with my monthly WI, then last month it was on the 18th and this month the 14th. I'm not sure what Body us thinking, but it's a big calendar jump.

This post was bought to you by the TMI foundation.

Quick question to all you brainiacs: What causes us to loose weight overnight? It must be something to do with sleep because on the nights I haven't slept, or only slept badly I don't really see a difference, but what actually causes it? Inquiring minds want to know!

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Tag (you're it!)

I was tagged by The Grumpy Chair Dieter in the Thinking Blogger's Tag Game! I'll run through the rules so I can count it as my exercise for the day.

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think.

2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme.

So, here are my five finalists:

nOt Alone in this world. Lauren in an English teacher in Asia, which given my future plans gave us a link straight away. Her healthy eating journey as a member of OA allows me to see things from a different perspective, and she is a wonderful woman!

Chronicles of a Late Bloomer. This is one of those blogs I find myself nodding my head to almost every post because I can realte to so many things she writes.

Pride and Poundage. It's been quiet on this blog recently but I'm hoping Megan comes back into the fold soon, she's another teacher and a fellow Austen fan. Based on that sentence, if it weren't for the pesky fact that we were born on different continents to different mothers we could be twins.

Half of Me. Even though I'm sure lots of people have tagged her in this I just have to mention PQ. Laugh out loud funny, she recently crossed the threshold of losing half her bodyweight, is now only 20lbs from goal, and even has a book deal going!

The Adventures of Shrinking Girl. This is actually as really old link of mine from way back in 2003 when I last attempted to lose weight 'for real' (that I've just realised I didn't have on this site! Bad Zan!). She is also one of the very few from that time that still blog, and her dedication, the fact that she was willing to do the work even if it meant taking the slow road, is one of the things I love about her.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

A long, hard, hungry day

Fortunately (well, for lack of a better word I suppose) the long and hard portion of the day were more work related than food. I worked a longer shift then I usually do because I've got Thursday off (shopping! friends I have seem since university!), and we were very short staffed which really didn't help. The hungry was because I woke up late so missed breakfast, got to work and realised I'd left my purse on the counter so no lunch.

Stomach: Feeeeeeddd meeeeee
Me: *drowns sound out with cups of water*

I finished work at 9 and ate when I got home. I'd actually given myself 'permission' to have a dessert given that I'd not been able to eat in the day so my calories were pretty low (err, read: nil) but after I'd eaten my meal I was full so I left it. If I'm going to have a 350 calorie bit of chocolate cheesecake then I want to really want it, not just force it down, even if my calories have been low.

Not to say I may not enjoy it later ;)

I came in to my room tonight and had a small heart attack when I went to turn on the tap and realised there was a fairly sizable spider perched on top of the tap. I screamed just a little. It waved at me. Well, it did that quick little shuffle thing with one leg that I'm sure they know really freaks me out then turned around (prompting me to give another screech and back up). Our little showdown ended when I heard my dad come through the front door and we mounted a joint attack (or rather, dad knocked it into the sink and drowned it with my scalding hot tap while I whimpered from a distance).

Monday, June 11, 2007

Today I:

Slept in, cleaned my room (something that was well overdue), did my laundry, stripped my bed, went out for a carvery dinner, watched Ocean's Thirteen, watched some really good looking previews before Ocean's Thirteen (Stardust! Shrek the Third! Transformers! Fantastic Four 2! I never want to type a=href"" ever again!), came home and played on my laptop.

What more could you ask of a Sunday?

In case anyone is wondering, a carvery is a bit like a hot buffet but for a roast dinner, they have an area set up with two or three joints of meat and a person carving, then you help yourself to trimmings (looks a bit like this). I tried to make some good choices, took a spoonful of peas, a spoon of sweetcorn, half a spoon of carrots, half of roasted onion, and a little cauliflower cheese to go with the turkey and one little slice of beef I had picked as my meat. The only slightly unwise decision was the small yorkshire pudding I had with my meat and two teeny weeny roast potatoes. Considering it was the only meal I had today, and I mainly filled up on white meat and veg, I'm not sorry about any of it. It was luvverly. I also stepped on the scale today and it's still heading in the right direction, so all in all my day could have been much worse.

So, what made you happy today? Let me know! If nothing, then why? What can you do to change that tomorrow?

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Enemy strategy

A unexpected reprieve! Today the WOD presented me with fresh fruit (an apple and a banana) in the dessert section. From where did this hereto unknown change in tactics spring?

I am slightly suspicious of the WOD's motives, but I've never been one to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Le sigh.

My breakfast seemed so... meh just now.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not bored exactly, it's just been a day when I've looked at my bowl and though 'meh'. It should have been really nice, I made porridge with fresh blueberries and strawberries in it, yum right? Theoretically yes, but then the strawberries were just that bit too tart and the blueberries not quite sweet enough and I didn't really want to add honey so I was left kind of disappointed. I'm not craving anything, this isn't me wanted a fried egg sandwich instead, I just couldn't quite muster up the 'mmm, nicey nice' today. It might be the result of having a few indulgences this week that makes proper food seem so uninteresting, a consequence for me to deal with for a few days even though the scale decided to be benevolent (thank you Scale God!).

I ate the porridge anyway; I leave for work in a few minutes and I know the WOD is just waiting for it's revenge. I didn't particularly enjoy it but I guess that's the test of someone who wants to lose weight. To do it when you're happy about it, when your craving, and when you just plain can't be bothered.

Ah, my ancient nemesis

Apple Pie, thou hath defeated me.

Lest thou deem to make great thy revelry; Hear Me Now! Though I go, I leave for but a moment and shalt return thusly to this, the scene of my once bitter retreat, the hero's of old fighting at my side. With fire in our eyes, healthy eating in our hearts, and organic vegetable soup in our bellies, my kinsfolk and I shall turn asunder the malice rooted deep within the stomach of this once proud undertaking and in that noble act once again reign triumphant!

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Zan, this is Cake calling

The Wheel of Death struck again at work today. (The WOD is a turnstile vending machine in our canteen).

Exactly on eye level in the WOD there is the dessert section. I'm a big dessert lover and usually there is a proper, traditional British pudding with custard there. And you all know how I like me some custard.

It called to me. It wooed me with sweet words and the magically mysterious 'cake of the day' label. What cake lay under the pale yellow custardy disguise? who knows! It looked like bread and butter pudding at first glance so it had raisins in it, and one of those sparkly, crunchy, sugar tops.

And oh, how I coveted it's cakey goodness. Even though I knew it was bad for me. Even though I knew it would trigger a binge in the chocolate machine next to it. Even though I had been fooled by it's promises before, only to end up with something banana flavoured and of dubious texture. I wanted it. I looked through the tiny, tempting window of glass, touching the barrier lightly with my fingertips. I checked my purse to ensure that yes, I did have the 62p that stood between me and my prize. In exact change. I looked, and thought, and counted, and drooled, and hmmm'd, and...

Got the fruit plate.

And even sacrificed my penny change because the machine never has any. I feel somewhat virtuous.

I also feel that the battle may rage on again soon, and that next time the WOD may play dirty by filling itself with bakewell tart and custard.

And then, my friends, I am In Trouble.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

A get out of jail free card

Okay, I took a morning weigh on to see where I was starting from and it's back down to 229, so it seems the donut incident didn't do me too much damage. I consider this a little gift from the scale to me, and will endeavor to curse it less from now on.

I'm happy that 230 had the good grace not to stick around anywhere near as long as 240 (or worse! the dreaded 242.2!) did.

Back in the saddle

I didn't so much fall off the wagon as just hop down for a sec to visit the bakery while it was getting it's wheel changed.

After weigh in I always allow myself a couple of days to eat whatever, to help me stay on track for the rest of the month. Yes, it's a little counter-productive, but it helps me feel like I'm not giving up everything 'forever' and the stress/binge that tends to follow. Last month that kind of backfired on me as I couldn't seem to get back to eating properly for love nor money.

This month wasn't anywhere near so out of control, and today I'm back to my tried and trusted soup/porridge/fruit combo that seems to have worked for me. Not entirely without incident though, as yesterday there was an unfortunate mini doughnut disaster where I went head to head with a box of them and they won. I actually wanted to stop about halfway through, but then I had that thing where you think 'I could stop, but then dad (insert your own household member here) would see the half eaten box. And would know it was me. I'll have to eat them all and hide the evidence!' So I ended up forcing them down even though I was feeling a little sick and throwing the carton away. Stupid, but there we go.

I'm going to weigh myself in a few days. It's gone up since 'official' weigh in, but there's no way I've actually gained what it said even with the stuff I ate, so I'll give it a little while of better food so I can get the true number when the bloat has disappeared.

I still want to fit into my dress by the time I leave!

Saturday, June 02, 2007

The cuteness, as promised

I think you can click for larger sizes. That or it will take you to my flickr which is mostly public anyhow.

Her copying what I was doing with the camera:



Friday, June 01, 2007

May Weigh In

228.6

Not a huge shift in numbers there at all really, but then I did lose most of it in the last week (plus some I had gained) and as I mentioned in my last post they're pounds that have really seemed to make a difference to my body, so I'm feeling okay about the whole thing really.

That's not going to stop me from shooting for higher next month (the dress! it will be mine, oh yes, it will be mine), but I'm feeling good. Roll on June, let's keep this momentum going.

All pounds are not created equal

Today was unexpectedly good, considering it ended with 5 hours on the train. I saw my little sister (OMG THE CUTENESS, expect a picture soon) and went shopping in Kings Lynn. Where I made the exciting discovery that I seem to have gone down a size (or two?).

I don't quite understand it as last week I hadn't really noticed much difference. I think I must just have passed that magical one or two pounds that makes the difference, the threshold if you will.

When mum came down to see me for my birthday we didn't have a very good day. I was on the first day of the worst period I'd had in a long time, bloated as all get out, feeling somewhat sick from the curry I'd eaten the night before, and was decidedly snappish all day. My bad mood not being helped by the fact that we were on a time limit so I didn't want to waste it looking at clothes I couldn't fit into and feeling bad, so mum's announcement of 'it may not fit you but it will fit me' before going into almost every store I didn't want to go into (because she needed to buy an outfit for something) was making me feel not a little worthless. Today was the day that my birthday shop should have been I think.

When you shop there are sizes and there are sizes, because sizes, like pounds, are not created equal. An Evans (think British Lane Bryant) size 20 and a high-street size 20 are definitely not the same thing. So imagine my surprise when I go into New Look and try on a pair of size 20 trousers and there too big.

The non-fat store size is too big? Que? Suddenly shopping is a new adventure.

I broke the cardinal rule of dieter's shopping though. I bought the 18 with the intention of 'slimming into it'. I know, I know, but I am reallysuperthisclose to having it fit nicely and with Japan looming there is no way I'm coming off the diet but I need clothes, so there we go. (I also bought this dress even though it was a little small for me, because I had drooled over it at my local shop (where the biggest size they had was an 8) and dammit if I have to lop off a limb I will fit into it one day before Japan!).

Expect an official weight tomorrow. Even if the poundage loss isn't huge, the ones that have disappeared seem to have been important.