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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Things that break my brain: #3854275628

I didn't realise until I got to work, but in my rush to leave the house this morning (I woke up late again - bad teacher, no treat) I stupidly left my laptop power cable still plugged into the wall at home. It left me no recourse but to ration my computer time to conserve battery life, and (somewhat begrudgingly) embrace productivity and mark my books. Thankfully it's now lunch time, so I've allowed myself a shot of sweet, sweet cyberspace to return the sanity that abandoned me 40 essays in.

Lunch today consists of ham and cream cheese sandwiches on wholemeal bread, accompanied by a tuna salad (no mayo) and a strawberry yogurt, with a bottle of water. As far as konbini selections go (oh the tempting chocolate cream puffs and deep fried gyoza!) it could have been far worse.

Continuing with the 'let's break the authors will to live' theme, I just went upstairs to get something from the Language Lab, and saw a cockroach so big it should have been wearing a uniform and taking it's exams. I crept away, not wanting to make any sudden moves lest it panic and start flying.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Shimmy 'n' shake

You know, it's impossible to stay sad with a good day of eating behind you, a non-inflated scale number, and The Fratellis queued up in iTunes. It just doesn't happen.

I'm a huge advocate of letting my iTunes help to dictate my mood. I put in an upbeat track or some good shout-y lyrics then nothing can stop me dancing around the living room with a smile. Thankfully my single status means I have no witnesses to this. In a similar vein if you ever just need a good cry there are some soul-rendering lyrics just a click away. I'm a huge lyrics person, reading the words can make me love a song even if I didn't care for the sound when I first heard it.

I've been going through my music files recently, re-listening to some of my old favourites that haven't seen the light of day for a while and remembering why I love them.

Some recommendations for you all: Duende, the afore-mentioned Fratellis, Ani Difranco's entire discography (I heart her lyrics), and my cheesy self indulgence for the moment - The Hairspray OST.

Go on, press the shuffle button and dance. No one's watching.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Sometimes you've got to let the house fall

This a post I was hoping I wouldn't have to write.

'I did it. I'm not proud, and a little sick, but I did it'

I've been eating myself to near sickness for the last few days. I had a lot of fragments of posts floating around my head, wanting to write something invigorating and poignant to show that I get the Big Picture.

But no. Instead I'm looking through my posts from the last few days about how it's all just a moment, just a moment and that's all, and I feel a bit of a fraud.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Challenge

Ok, it's not a real weigh in this week because TOM has come to visit, so I'm going with 99.2, which is what I saw before my period gain. That means I've only lost about half a pound, but I will amend that as soon as I have the real number.

The final result

My ovaries and I, we compromised.

I bought a 100 calorie bag of Oreo mini bites instead of a full sized, double row pack, and they stop trying to kill me. At dinner I chose a beef/onion/peppers/rice bowl instead of my chicken/shrimp rice bowl, it was more calories but delicious. It only occurred to me as I was eating it that it's only the second time I've had red meat since coming to Japan.

So there you have it, not the best of days in terms of choices, but not the 6-7000 calories binge I had been planning last night.

Ugh, weigh in tomorrow for the challenge and TOM's still here so it's going to be up. I'm getting sick of posting gains, even if they're not 'real ones'.

Monday, October 22, 2007

A convoluted though process

I have an English thing at another school over in Watari tomorrow. They've arranged for a load of ALTs from all over Mie to come to this school for a day of special English activities. It sounds fun.

I am a tad concerned as to where my brain wanders when I think about it though. I have to pack a lunch and take it with me, which means I have to go to the supermarket tonight to get some stuff as I usually buy my lunch.

'Oooh, we could get some of those pastry things while we're there, they would make a good breakfast. Something quick to grab on the way out. They haven't been there the last few times we've gone grocery shopping but maybe they'd just sold out before we got there? Oh! Oh! and we could get some Oreos! You remember how good they tasted last time don't you? We ate the whole pack with some nice, cold, milk. You've been really good lately and your period must be due soon' - if only, I've been expecting it for the last 3 days and I'm getting antsy with it not showing up - 'so you have an excuse to binge. Everyone would understand'.

I'm going to dinner in Ise afterwards with my friend, so I'll be eating later than I usually would again, meaning I have to be careful. But I keep catching myself planning it; the how, the where, the clean up and what excuses I'll give. The feeling that I'm suspended in the air, frozen in the act of falling, and not sure whether I want to make a grab for the ledge or just go ahead and fall for a bit, and then pick myself back up again tomorrow.

And I would pick myself up tomorrow. Whether that's a reassurance or an excuse I'm not sure. I've got a craving for Oreos riding me so hard right now I can practically feel the crunch of the biscuit in my teeth. But maybe this is just a moment?

Writing that made me feel a little better. When I started writing this post I felt like it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. That by putting it into words I had committed it into being, but by not doing so I would have the added shame of trying to hide it. I was picturing myself writing my next entry, 'I did it. I'm not proud, and a little sick, but I did it', and remembering how nearly 3 weeks ago I did exactly what I'm planning on now. How it made me so sick afterwards.

I'm was feeling the guilt as if I've already done it, rationalising and self-flagellating in equal turns. It took me a good 10 minutes of sitting here, staring at this half finished post, to realise that I haven't actually done anything yet. That I don't actually have to do it. That the thought, even the intention, isn't enough to damn me. Thinking isn't the same as doing. Too often I trick myself with 'It's going to happen anyway so I may as well'.

Odd. The craving's gone.

It seems this blogging thing works. Maybe I just needed to wait the craving out, or maybe I needed to really define why I was reacting the way I was, but that scrabbling for grip panic seems to have abated. I've been writing this post for the best part of an hour but the ground feels a little more solid. Even if it meant taking a rabbit hole journey through my own meandering mental pathways.

I kind of want to delete this post so I don't have to think too much. I'll post it anyway, usually it's the less comfortable stuff that ends up being the most useful.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Pictures!

I have yet to decide if this addition is a good or bad thing, but when I get closer to my goal I will probably be happy that I have photographic evidence.

In which the author probabaly jinxes herself.

Back down again today, obviously it was just a random fluctuation. It's funny because I always tell people not to worry about them, but when they happen to me I just can't follow my own advice. While I fluctuate a lot during the day, my mornings tend to be fairly stable, I stay the same or go down. I think the change may have been because I ate my main meal slightly later than I usually do (I'm trying to eat my biggest meal at lunch instead of dinner now, but I went to a restaurant with my friend the night before that). If I've binged then obviously I'll see a difference, but the day to day stuff doesn't tend to make such a noticeable jump. Luckily I haven't had to work 'the binge effect' into my daily calculations recently. I'm knocking every piece of wood I can find right now.

It's been a fairly good day, last weekend I just wanted to curl up in a ball on my bed. This weekend I am still sick but have managed to get a fair portion of the cleaning and grocery shopping done.

Speaking of groceries, my foray into the supermarket went quite well. I have huge problems with the last aisle of my grocery store because it smells divine. It contains the freshly fried section (chicken, fish, and a number of Japanese ingredients that I would probably find a lot less appetizing if I knew what they were), and my old nemesis the bakery. Luckily I had made a list before I left because I needed to buy so much (I was a step away from being Old Mother Hubbard) and I stuck to it. The only slight deviation was a pack of hot chocolate mix, but that was the half calorie stuff. For 35 cal a cup I think I'm fine.

So there you have it, a little look into my daily routine. And how has your day been?

Friday, October 19, 2007

It's all just a little bit of history repeating

I stepped on the scale this morning to see 100.4.

Huh?

My first thoughts were one of moderate self-loathing for going out to dinner last night, but I was very restrained and kept an eye on how many calories everything was. The thing I ordered was 564, which coupled with the other stuff I had eaten that day was totally fine. Then I saw that I also have a bit of a breakout on my chin, so after indulging in a quick but of mental arithmetic I realised I am on day 23 (I think?) so it may be my little red friend coming for a visit. Again. Bastard.

Anyway, I am going to try not to freak out for another couple of days in case he comes knocking.

I do, however, completely reserve the right to freak if he doesn't appear.

New Layout

or: I Never Want to Cut and Paste Again!

My gift to you Mir; I hope this is easier to read.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Mikan, my love

Edit: Just need to add my Challenge WI. I finally saw a good result and am down to 99.5KG (218.9 lbs).

I is still sick, and have now added a hacking cough to my symptoms (nice huh?). It keeps me awake at night. That annoys me because I don't get an accurate scale reading in the morning when I haven't slept well, which is actually kind of pitiful because what should be annoying me is my being unable to stay awake at my desk in the staffroom, leading to a lot of students laughing at me as they try to return their composition books. Good to see where my priorities lie.

The over the counter medicines here aren't really up to much so I am going back to basics and fortifying my internal rebel alliance with concentrated shots of vitamin C. This makes the beginning of the Mikan season absolutely perfect timing!

I am so in love with these little satsumas right now. I just can't say enough good things about them. They're delicious, healthy, easy to peel, even easier to eat, due to the season now starting they are cheap and plentiful (well, relative to other fresh fruit here), and Doctor Who once saved the world with one!

My supermarket is filled with these gorgeous little beasts right now and I am taking advantage.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Where are you guys?

Seriously, my link list is sadly bereft of new posts, and has been for what I consider to be an unreasonable amount of time. If this goes on any longer I may have to do something drastic like.. you know.. actually mark the students English compositions or something, and that's just not going to lead anywhere good for anyone involved.

Okay. Aside from Lauren and Tully (who have passes for updating and being Japan, respectively) I say UPDATE DAMN YOU! The lack of fresh news on the smallest details of your life is leading me to consider studying Japanese in my spare time. THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN REDUCED TO.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

By the skin of my teeth

I saw 99.9.

It was a close close close thing. I weighed in at the lightest possible time of day and it changed to 100.0 several times before finally settling on 99.9. And I haven't been able to replicate it since I had my breakfast.

But still! I am of the happy!

I am going to use the next few days to strengthen my somewhat fragile grip on the 90s so that I can be sure of it for the next challenge WI.

Man, it's been so long since I saw a new number I was beginning to despair of ever seeing one. Do you know the last time I weighed below 220 was in... June? I think? Even then I only just made it under. That's a long ass time to be stuck in one decade of poundage. Long enough to send me running for the Oreos (and in fact, did send me running for them several times. Mmmm... Oreos...).

Don't freak out about this Zan. Don't spoil it for yourself.

Also, my scale now weighs me in increments of .1 kg so I get a more accurate reading Over 100 it can only weigh at every .2.

I'm a bit of a scale geek so that made me smile.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

At the risk of jinxing myself...

The scale showed 100.6 again this morning. It improved my mood slightly.

I am so ready to get under 100kg/220lbs already! I managed it very briefly before I got to Japan but it didn't stick and I've been moving up and down the same 5lbs for ages now. I just have to not screw it up for myself again, I've been here before.

I went to the supermarket and managed to come out with tuna, mussels, and cold medicine, instead of raiding the bakery and chocolate aisle. It was a close thing, I wandered said section of the supermarket for quite some time before tearing myself away.

It's not much, but you've got to take the good where you can find it.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Grrr... *coughsniffhack*

I is sick.

And asthmatic. And insanely busy this week.

And I've gained weight.

The combination has made me cranky.

Also, gaining weight on the challenge? Not the way this is supposed to work.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Decisions

Now is the moment you decide to lose weight.

When you look back, you'll think of the time you went above 200 (250, 300, whatever number broke your brain), or of the time you couldn't fit into your favourite clothes, or your aeroplane seat. The time you stopped being able to ignore the white elephant in the corner. That was important, it was the moment you realised, but the decision is more than that. As a person I exist only in this moment. I breath, I live, I think, I choose. You choose.

The past cannot be changed; if your past included french fries then so be it.

The future is unset; in the oven does not mean in the mouth. In the mouth does not mean in the stomach.

There are moments when I've chosen the wrong path. I've turned to it and regretted it even before I took a step, but my mind shouts 'too late, too late', but it's not, it's not I promise. Don't let the weak moment become the weak day. Don't start again tomorrow. There's another moment right here, right now. It's never ever too late. If you've eaten the whole box of cookies, let this be the moment you don't open the ice-cream. If you're reading this having eaten nearly a whole pizza, let this be the moment you throw out the last slice. Guilt is so utterly pointless, the past cannot be changed.

But the future is unset. As a person I exist only in this moment. I breath, I live, I think, I choose.

There will be other moments, other me. The person I was in January, the person who had that moment of realisation, is not the person I am now. The person I am now is not the person who will read this post back to herself in five minutes time. Is not the person who will decide to have an orange before bed, or choose a fried egg sandwich instead. Is not the person making dinner tomorrow.

For this moment, the person I am is making the right decision. It is hard, but I only have to do it for this moment. The next me only has to do it for their moment. If one of us falls, it only has to be a moment.

Keep going. It only has to be for a moment.

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Some excuses for you

I feel like I've been neglecting this blog a little, but it's been a busy week.

I didn't end up doing an official weigh in for the last challenge check in. I've been a little sick and it's making it really difficult to sleep, which is having all sorts of knock on effects. Either I'm so rushed because I've overslept I've had to run straight out the door to get to work on time, or I've slept so little that the scale won't give me an accurate reading anyhow. I was planning on just weighing in late, but it's gotten to the point where it's close enough to next WI day that I'll just leave it be. I'll post my weight next week whatever it may be, so don't take this as me quitting!

I don't know what is wrong with me at the moment, whether it's allergies or an actual cold type thing, but this is the first time I've had to use my inhaler for about 3 years so it's a bit strange. I'm leaning towards allergy because of the wheezy chest/never-ending sneezing combination, but medicating here is so terrible that even if I could find the right product it probably wouldn't be strong enough to make a difference. When I go to Bangkok I'm going to try and stock up.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

A realisation

I was going to write 'a brainwave' but that implies intelligence rather than the extremely stupid thing I may have done.

So, everyone remember that recipe I posted with my last Challenge WI? It's a great dish and very healthy, but mine turned out badly because of (what I thought was) mad-salty, store-bought broth that gave it a weird (almost burning?) flavour.

I bought some kimich from the konbini at lunch today and it had exactly the same burn/fermented taste to it. In a flash I realised that the 'broth' I though I was buying was in actual fact kimchi pickling juice.

Yeah, I rock.

Whoops

Argh, where did the time go?

I overslept this morning so forgot to get my weigh in. Lest anyone get too excited, I'm fairly certain that I've gained (but I'm hoping not to go over my start weight). I'll weigh myself tomorrow morning regardless and find out.

Monday, October 01, 2007

No news is good news?

Sadly no, because when I start avoiding my blog it's a sure sign that things aren't going well.

There have been several cookie/chocolate incidents in the last few days. One full out binge night before last, one lesser one last night. During the day I've been absolutely fine and have eaten really well, but the night... the cruel, cruel night.

The upshot of this is that I now weigh 101.4 again. This is good and bad points because it means that even though I've gained I haven't gone above my challenge start weight, so maybe if I manage to be careful this weekend I'll be able to get back to 100.6? It would be nice not to post a gain on Wednesday. On the other hand, with September now being over (-4 lbs), it makes 5 months I've been swanning back and forth through the 220's. 5 months! It's fairly depressing to see how little I've achieved.