Monday, October 22, 2007

A convoluted though process

I have an English thing at another school over in Watari tomorrow. They've arranged for a load of ALTs from all over Mie to come to this school for a day of special English activities. It sounds fun.

I am a tad concerned as to where my brain wanders when I think about it though. I have to pack a lunch and take it with me, which means I have to go to the supermarket tonight to get some stuff as I usually buy my lunch.

'Oooh, we could get some of those pastry things while we're there, they would make a good breakfast. Something quick to grab on the way out. They haven't been there the last few times we've gone grocery shopping but maybe they'd just sold out before we got there? Oh! Oh! and we could get some Oreos! You remember how good they tasted last time don't you? We ate the whole pack with some nice, cold, milk. You've been really good lately and your period must be due soon' - if only, I've been expecting it for the last 3 days and I'm getting antsy with it not showing up - 'so you have an excuse to binge. Everyone would understand'.

I'm going to dinner in Ise afterwards with my friend, so I'll be eating later than I usually would again, meaning I have to be careful. But I keep catching myself planning it; the how, the where, the clean up and what excuses I'll give. The feeling that I'm suspended in the air, frozen in the act of falling, and not sure whether I want to make a grab for the ledge or just go ahead and fall for a bit, and then pick myself back up again tomorrow.

And I would pick myself up tomorrow. Whether that's a reassurance or an excuse I'm not sure. I've got a craving for Oreos riding me so hard right now I can practically feel the crunch of the biscuit in my teeth. But maybe this is just a moment?

Writing that made me feel a little better. When I started writing this post I felt like it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. That by putting it into words I had committed it into being, but by not doing so I would have the added shame of trying to hide it. I was picturing myself writing my next entry, 'I did it. I'm not proud, and a little sick, but I did it', and remembering how nearly 3 weeks ago I did exactly what I'm planning on now. How it made me so sick afterwards.

I'm was feeling the guilt as if I've already done it, rationalising and self-flagellating in equal turns. It took me a good 10 minutes of sitting here, staring at this half finished post, to realise that I haven't actually done anything yet. That I don't actually have to do it. That the thought, even the intention, isn't enough to damn me. Thinking isn't the same as doing. Too often I trick myself with 'It's going to happen anyway so I may as well'.

Odd. The craving's gone.

It seems this blogging thing works. Maybe I just needed to wait the craving out, or maybe I needed to really define why I was reacting the way I was, but that scrabbling for grip panic seems to have abated. I've been writing this post for the best part of an hour but the ground feels a little more solid. Even if it meant taking a rabbit hole journey through my own meandering mental pathways.

I kind of want to delete this post so I don't have to think too much. I'll post it anyway, usually it's the less comfortable stuff that ends up being the most useful.


Lauren said...

good for you girlfriend.

Anonymous said...

Blogging does work. It really does! Congrats on beating back the demon another day!

Grumpy Chair said...

Wow, you beat the craving!

That too, is a very big victory.

You my friend, or my new hero for today.

Christine said...

Pics - ready?

You can access anyone's photoalbum thru a search.

Tully said...

I know what you mean about the self fulfilling prophecy. I sometimes tell a particular friend that I want to eat something or go out for dinner and I know that as soon as I say it, it's as good as done. Good work on getting through it.

Once Upon A Dieter said...

Blogging does help, if used. You're working it! And there you go: beat the craving. Beat it with a keyboard!

I had been wanting to lose weight for a while, but the motivation wouldn't come. I started my blog as a motivation tool. It fizzed in the first month, but then I picked it up again. So, I do believe that sticking with a blog is a good, good tool. Use it and lose, or at minimum, don't regain it all. I think it forces us to seek support and give support and be honest about how hard it is.

Make sure to let us know how the eating out went and what you ahd. Mmmm.

I've had avocado sushi and vegetable roll (inside out) a couple times this past week. I think buying my first bento box has got me wanting it more. I want some NOW. I can't eat seafood (allergic), but I enjoy the veggie versions, even if the seaweed makes my throat a little icky.

The Princess