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Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Burnout

The best laid schemes o' mice an' men
Gang aft agley


The mojo, it is gone.

It went a few weeks ago, but I didn't want to admit it, so I tried to distract you all with pictures. That could have gone on for some time (there is plenty of blog picture fodder here, believe me), but it would have done nothing to stop the growth of my ever-increasing ass.

Things are not good.

I got to the point where I was so sick of thinking about food. Not in a good or bad way, just having to think about it, period. Having it be such a big issue in my life. I rebelled completely, not only not eating healthily, but pushing myself to eat as much as possible of the worst things. I got stuck somewhere along the way, like part of me wanted to stop but I just couldn't face going back to analysing everything. I stopped checking blogs, fed up with filling my head with tidbits of other peoples plans and ways and means and I can't even manage my own eating in here - I don't want other people's too.

Somebody stop the carousel turning turning turning I want to get off.

I once said that sometimes I need time in the hole to appreciate things outside of it, and that's true. Every now and again a brief stint helps me to centre myself, to realise where I am and where I want to be. This time it's been less productive, I've gone past the hole and am walking a very fine precipice, and all that most of me wants to do is hurl myself over the edge, go home, lock the door, and be left to eat myself into oblivion for the rest of eternity.

Three weeks in and the tiniest shred of sanity still lurking in the back of my skull coaxed me a few steps from the ledge. So I sit here typing this, thinking of mice and men, and schemes agley, and mixing my metaphors trying to tell you something that I think is important, but I'm not sure what to say.

8 comments:

weightlossguru said...

Great, so you're back from the brink it seems, only a wobble, a diversion en-route, a little stumble in your step, necessary part of the process and all that. ;-) well done! and i'm sure i'm not alone in saying thank you for your soul-searching honesty in this post!

Jan B said...

It hard when we get like this, but everyone gets like this. You're seeing it rationally and the hardest part is saying, this is where it stops. No matter how enjoyable it is to just throw ourselves into the food, the consequences, well we know what they are. That's where we came from. Now is the time to get it back, not on Monday, not after the next meal, but right now, make plans for what healthy thing you are going to have next and just slide back into it. You can do it!! I know you can!!

Once Upon A Dieter said...

Okay, this is not good. This is making me very sad for you.

I want you chipper and happy and gloriously soaring.

How can we get you there, babe? I will pray for you (cause, well, I believe in prayer), but being so far away, it's not like I can hug you or bring a salad for two or just jab you with happy juice when you're not looking. (I'd have to find the fairy patch and distill it first, of course.)

Okay, kidding aside, this is tough. I've been almost in the hole, but fortunately, I skipped falling in. I don't want my lovely Brit pal in the hole. I want you to be so happy you blind people with your great smile.

Come here:

{{{{{{{{{{{{Zanitta}}}}}}}}}}}

Cuban hugs are especially powerful. IT's all that tropical fruit and garlic. :)

The fact that you posted that dark post is good. Writing it down, saying it to others: GOOD. Hard, but good.

Call someone you love, sweetie. Write a letter to a pal or family member. Something that is a comfort thing other than food. Anything that pushes a sweet button, no matter how lightly.

But know this will pass. It always does. The mojo comes back. Just start telling it to get the hell back home NOW.

The Princess

Lauren said...

I don't, and I want, but I cant...sigh

Tully said...

Yeah I know exactly what you mean, I am been there many times. Maybe try and set very small goals for yourself to get yourself out of the slump, cut out the sweets one day or introduce vegetables again another day.

Maybe you just need a big hug instead! :-)

Take care and don't be too hard on yourself, this is really hard and we all screw up every now and then.

Grumpy Chair said...

How are you doing?

Princess Dieter said...

Just thinking of you, Z, and hoping you're okay. Check in. Even if it's just a blog post with one or two sentences. Okay?

Hugs,
The Princess

groovybabe said...

You should give exercise a go. Its never easy in the beginning but once you start getting fitter it is all so worth while. Also now my motabloism is higher it takes more food to put on weight even if I have a day or two off from exercise and dieting.

Your twenty minute walk is good but bare in mind the benefits become reduced once your body is used to that exercise.